A Brief Encounter

I had an encounter last week which not only made my day and left me with a spring in my step, but it also got me thinking about the different ways in which we connect with each other in the world today.

There is no doubt that humans need connection with others just as much as our other basic needs such as food, water and warmth. As a child and then an adult with a young family, my connections used to be face to face as I am sure they were for many of you reading. We would go out to play, we met with family and friends, we picked up the phone to chat, we invited people for dinner and when we couldn’t do any of those things we wrote letters. Some of my most treasured possessions are letters my Dad wrote to me when I first left home. Daft, nonsensical letters that made me laugh and left me feeling connected with home. They were real and tangible.

As a new young mother with a toddler we moved to Massachusetts for my then husband’s work. He was out all day, recently promoted, working hard and I was at home alone not eligible to work, and didn’t know a single person there. Despite being painfully shy the need for connection drove me to put an advert on a supermarket message board, all the while hoping I didn’t sound too desperate.

“My name is Gina and I have just moved to the area from England and wondered if there are any other stay at home Mums with young children who would like to meet up for coffee and playtime. Or maybe there are groups like this that already exist. Please give me a call”

It worked and a couple of other young women gave me a call, a local girl called Patti with a son the same age as mine and an Australian expat with twin girls. We met regularly and through them I also found a toddler group that met in the local library. I found my tribe and my connections. I also learned it could be good to step outside my comfort zone.

Of course the world has changed drastically since then and with the arrival of the internet our social interactions have changed too and gradually the big tech companies found new ways of bringing social connections into the digital age. Social media exists because it meets our basic need for connections, but make no mistake it’s not there for our benefit.

I started blogging around 2011, finding connection with other likeminded creative bloggers. My sons, who by now were teenagers would joke about my imaginary ‘internet friends’ but many of these friends became real life friends with whom I still maintain contact and see today. But even in those innocent early days there were warning signs… did my posts get as many ‘likes’ as others and why did this person have so many more followers than me. Trying to rise in the popularity stakes became a dangerous game and despite recognising this and proclaiming it didn’t matter it was still there, nagging in the depths of my mind.

It was about the same time that I joined Facebook, setting up an account as it was a convenient way to keep in touch with my son who went off travelling the world aged just eighteen. It was far more likely that he would post his adventures and whereabouts on Facebook than it was that he would phone his Mum. It also proved invaluable. Joe arrived in New Zealand just days before the earthquake that destroyed Christchurch. When the quake struck he was on cleaning duty in his hostel, while his backpack containing his wallet, credit card, phone and passport was in a locker. He escaped from the crumbling building in just what he was wearing but he had no way of letting us know he was safe. Via Facebook one of his friends let us know they had seen him on some news footage, a clip we later watched on the BBC News at Ten. Also through Facebook I was able to contact an old university friend whose son still lived in the Christchurch area, and by connecting them online Joe had a temporary place to stay. Without doubt it has had its uses. Shortly afterwards I also signed up to Instagram and loved that in the early days it felt like a short form blogging platform. With a picture and a caption you were able to connect with and follow similar people.

But as we all know, these platforms do not exist for our convenience. Whilst they might meet our need for social connection they are there purely to make money for their founders. Companies like Meta are experts at keeping us glued to our screens for as long as possible by making their platforms as addictive as possible. We no longer see posts from the people we want to follow or whom we are interested in, but instead we are bombarded by adverts and suggested content designed to reel us in and keep scrolling. I read recently that the average screen time is 5.5 hours per day which frankly I find terrifying. I have started to think of all the things I could do in that time instead… although I do know from my weekly screen report I personally don’t actually hit those figures. But I still spend too much time scrolling.

And of course all this time on screen is not without consequences for our mental health. Hardly a day goes by when we don’t hear about the tragic results of social media on lives of some of our most young and vulnerable people. It has become a terrifying place with hardly any meaningful human connection.

So now let me tell you about my encounter that led to all these thoughts about connection. Most weeks I go into Cambridge to spend a couple of hours looking after my youngest granddaughter. Quite often we will go out for a walk along the riverbank, I might grab a coffee from the kiosk on Jesus Green, we’ll laugh at the ducks because at 14 months old, ducks are of course hilarious and then we will wander into town, browse the bookshops and end up in the library where Eliza will endeavour to remove as many books as possible from the shelves.

She also found it funny to try to remove my boots!

Last week, after stopping to see the ducks we were meandering along the path, I noticed a man sitting on a bench trying to eat his lunch without sharing it with the surrounding gulls, when a woman coming in the opposite direction, looked at me, smiled and did a double take.

“Are you Gina?” she asked.

It transpired that she knew me because she used to listen to my podcast when we were still recording regularly, and she reads my Substack (Hello Kate!!!) She has also taken an online course with me, and then she revealed that in my year of trying to draw 100 portraits, despite never having met her, I had drawn her portrait after she had sent me her photo. At this point after she had apologised more than once for being a complete stranger stopping me to talk, I remembered her name and declared she couldn’t possibly be a stranger if I knew who she was. We talked some more, commiserated about how difficult it can be to have a relative with dementia, we laughed, and Kate told me about how she had been on an interesting walk exploring Cambridge College Gardens. It was once of those lovely, serendipitous conversations where you move on feeling the world is actually an okay place to be. We said goodbye and as I walked on I glanced back and saw Kate talking to the man on the bench and thought nothing more of it.

My portrait of Kate

Eliza and I eventually ended up at the library as usual where we spent a happy half hour with her emptying the shelves, one book after another as quick as I could put them back. Eventually it was time to go home so off we went past the librarian who kept smiling at me. I smiled back and his grin got wider as I approached.

“I overheard your conversation with the lady in the park” he said

“Oh, you’re the man on the bench! I was worried the gulls were going to get your lunch.”

He laughed and then proceeded to tell me how he had stopped Kate to tell her he had overheard our conversation and was struck by how lovely it was. He then thanked me for bringing some joy to the world and his day. I hope I managed to convey how much joy he brought to my day too because both conversations left me with a smile on my face and a spring in my step. In a message later Kate said the same. I hope our conversations brightened his day as well.

Which all made me reflect on how important it is to make actual human connections. To talk to people we meet in the park or the library, to smile and spread joy. Of course it could be argued that this real life connection would never have happened if Kate and I hadn’t ‘met’ online initially, but no amount of online connecting, likes or follows could ever replace the pleasure and joy of that real life connection.

Consequently I have started to look at my use of social media and question how much I need it, possibly also prompted by watching Mark Zuckerberg, the co-founder of Facebook sharing a stage with the likes of Trump and Musk, not people I want to show any solidarity or support for. I came off Twitter (X) a long time ago. I don’t use Facebook or Instagram nearly as much as I used to, and I am trying to cut back even more while I decide whether I can do without. But it is difficult as it does still provide the only connection I have with certain people. I would be interested to know if anyone else reading has abandoned social media altogether and what have you found to be the benefits or disadvantages.

For now I am quite happy using Substack although this platform too is constantly evolving, and I hope it doesn’t change too quickly because it currently feels a friendly place. I try not to pay attention to subscriber numbers and just feel happy that anyone at all wants to read this. Notes have appeared during the time I started publishing my newsletter on here and they feel very much like Twitter did in the early days, so I guess I will wait, keep on writing and see what happens.

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If like me, you want to spend time replacing some of those 5.5 hours of screen time with something more meaningful here are a few things I have done last week that I can recommend.

· Go to the cinema… preferably with a friend. We saw ‘A Complete Unknown’ last week which is about the early days of Bob Dylan’s career in folk music. I have never been a fan of Bob Dylan I don’t even like his music, but I thought it was excellent with superb casting. And the music was actually great

· Read a book. I have just finished Unsettled Ground by Claire Fuller and can wholeheartedly recommend it. It’s a sad story about human resilience, but beautifully written.

· Visit an exhibition… I’ll write about my most recent visit next week.

· Meet a friend for coffee… and cake!

· Go for a walk, smile and talk to a stranger, make a connection!