An Existential Crisis

Or putting things into perspective and looking on the bright side

I don’t watch very much TV but I have always enjoyed both Sky Arts programmes Portrait Artist of the Year (PAOTY) and Landscape Artist of the Year (LAOTY), but in particular the Portraits. I thoroughly enjoy the whole process of seeing the submission paintings, watching how the artists approach their paintings on the day, guessing which paintings the sitters will choose to take home as well as wondering why the judges choose a particular winner (often a mystery), but I especially like to imagine how I would cope if I was there being filmed painting a particular sitter. Would I take photographs, sketch the portrait out first or dive straight in with paint? Would I choose oils or acrylics? Would I be put off by the audience or the judges? Sadly, these questions won’t be answered this year as for the third year running I entered the contest for a place on the show and for the third year I have failed to get in. The past two years I was fairly relaxed about the whole thing and didn’t really expect to get accepted but this year I was hopeful. I felt my submission portrait, which has to be a self-portrait, was quite strong and given my year of painting portraits I was confident I would cope. So, when the email came last week thanking me for my submission but telling me I wasn’t successful due to the high standard of entries, I admit I was very disappointed and wondered what I had to do to make my entry of a high enough standard.

Self Portrait 2022, Acrylic on canvas.

Why then you might well ask, do I put myself through the weeks of anticipation, to be followed by rejection. Whilst a part of me thinks it would be fun to take part and maybe I quite like the idea of being on telly for my 15 minutes of fame (I have previous form… I have applied and been rejected for both the Great British Bake Off and the Sewing Bee just because I thought it would be a laugh), I do think that this year it felt like it would be another stage in my artistic journey. I had spent most of last year working on portraits which culminated in my exhibition. I thought that if I was successful in getting into a heat of PAOTY then it might give me a bit more exposure and get my work seen by more people. It felt like it would be another step forward, although towards what I’m not entirely sure. And although actually reaching the final and winning might just be a dream, the prize of a £10,000 commission has always made it feel like a serious competition rather than merely TV entertainment, although I am well aware entertainment is ultimately what it is all about.

So, when the thank you but no thank you email arrived I felt thoroughly miserable and dejected and hence the existential crisis and a host of limiting beliefs to wrestle with:

I’m not good enough

My painting is obviously rubbish

What’s the point in painting if no one likes it?

If I’m not painting then what’s the point in anything really?

What is the meaning of life?

What even is Goofy? A dog?

Ah yes, I was sliding arse over elbow down a very slippery slope of self-pity and it wasn’t a pretty sight. I’m still coughing after my recent virus and feeling tired and extremely sleep deprived. My exhibition has finished, and I took down the paintings last week which had already left a feeling of ‘what next’ for which I didn’t have an answer. On reflection I was feeling a little low anyway. All this also led to me abandoning my 100 day project which I had started with such enthusiasm only a couple of weeks ago, which in itself added to the general feeling of failure. Plus, haven’t we all had enough of this wretched cold, wet, windy miserable weather, despite this week looking a little brighter. (I’ll come back to that)

Self portrait, 2023, Acrylic on Canvas (This one definitely wasn’t good enough!)

I gave myself a good talking to and took myself out to my studio where I had a thorough tidy up. I sorted out all my paintings, entered some into an online exhibition (details will follow next month) and packaged up those that I sold during my portrait exhibition. I threw stuff out, cleared my desk and then I even painted a small picture. Then because I was feeling better and little bit brave I posted a photograph of my rejected self-portrait onto a Facebook group. I belong to a fan page of PAOTY on Facebook where there are many very talented artists, several of whom have been successful and have appeared on the Sky Arts shows. There was still a part of me that was braced for a reaction that confirmed my picture wasn’t great, but I was actually overwhelmed by all the support and positive comments. I wasn’t seeking the praise or outside validation although I will be the first to admit it boosted my sad little ego, but most of all it made me realise what an idiot I was being.

None of us really know what the selection process is or what the judges or those selecting are looking for. Ultimately I was unlucky not to be one of the relatively few people selected from the very many entries. And being good enough to get on the show is down to the opinion of just a few people so why should I let them judge me. I was happy with what I had painted at this particular time and whilst in six weeks or six months I might do something totally different, what matters is how I feel about it now. And it is worth remembering that despite the prize, it is still a TV show and that means it’s entertainment. As well as being able to paint, contestants need to present well on telly and represent a diverse range of individuals. It is sad to say but white, oldish women don’t feature too much. What’s more I was in good company because many others have posted photographs their rejected paintings and they are brilliant.

‘The Artist’ Self Portrait 2024, Oil on Canvas

Instead of feeling dejected and miserable maybe I should be relieved that I don’t have to negotiate trains and hotels with all my art kit and associated detritus, I don’t have to spend a long day on my feet being scrutinised by the general public and I don’t have to paint whilst being interrupted by film crews, the judges and Stephen Mangan… at least not this year!

It was a temporary knock back and I’m no longer questioning the meaning of life (although not sure I ever was really), I’m just getting on with it taking each day as it comes. Although I definitely want to explore more portrait over the coming year I think that diving straight back into it was possibly a bit too much for my 100 day project, so I have scaled it back to doing something creative every day. And as for that weather… I just need to keep reminding myself that Spring is definitely on the way and sometimes we just have to accept that it arrives in small steps that sometimes go backwards. Which reminds me of a lovely little poem written by my friend

Lindsey Dickson

who writes beautifully on Substack.

Spring

She arrives, not in a hurry

But with slow movements of green,

Greeted by dancing birds grateful

To see another year

New life born from rested soil

Reaches for the year’s first sunshine

Teasing before the garden awakes

And we watch with wonder

I wouldn’t minding it warming up a bit though! Wishing you all a warm and dry week to come and a very happy Mothering Sunday to all you wonderful Mums out there. We’re off for a pub lunch!