Listening to our own voice

Something happened this week that has really got me thinking about why as artists we do what we do and how important it is to stay true to ourselves. It’s funny how people love to give their often inexpert opinions about art, telling you whether it’s good or bad, whether something works or not. In these days of sharing everything on social media maybe we are inadvertently asking for those opinions or possibly some artists are even actively seeking such judgements. But it is good to remember they are only opinions and the only voice we should really be listening to is our own voice because it is a fool’s game to try to keep everyone else happy. We must learn to judge and be satisfied with our own efforts. But when those external voices join together and are loud and clear in their opinion, listening to our own voice and knowing what we really think can be tricky. Let me explain…

All my life I have drawn and painted. I can’t remember a time when I didn’t draw. Good drawings, bad drawings, indifferent drawings, it didn’t matter because I loved doing it. There have been periods during my life when I have drawn more than others, but it is always something I did very much for my own pleasure. I never exhibited my work and I certainly never sold anything. Then about twenty five years ago I discovered machine embroidery, one thing led to another, and I forged a successful career in embroidery and textile art. Using the sewing machine was just like using another drawing or painting tool. It was exciting and new, and I was good at it. I taught it all over the country and enjoyed inspiring others. My name became associated with textiles and textile art, and I loved what I did. Don’t get me wrong, there were plenty of failures along the way but mostly I could control the medium and the outcomes.

Then about five years ago a series of events brought about change. It started with a niggle of dissatisfaction in what I was doing and the only way I can really describe it is that what I was doing felt safe and predictable in a way that it hadn’t before.  There was no challenge in the way in which I was working. Then covid hit and suddenly I wasn’t teaching anymore, we had moved house and I was temporarily without a space in which to sew with only limited access to my materials, and during this time I returned to painting at the kitchen table, taking several online classes. Suddenly there was an excitement back and I realised painting was what I wanted to do. It felt like returning to what I had always loved. I wasn’t always sure of the outcome, not being able to control paint in the same way that I could fabric and thread and there felt like there was so much to learn. Five years later and I’m still making mistakes and learning, and I still love it. At the time when I told people that painting was now the route that I wanted to follow several reactions were along the lines of “that’s a shame” or “but you are good at textiles” etc. However, despite the occasional doubt that I might be making a big mistake (usually at 3 a.m.), I just knew what I was doing was right for me. Interestingly I have never stopped sewing or producing the textile pieces in the past five years, I have created online machine embroidery courses and often I combine paint with stitch, but the focus of what I am doing has shifted. For me it has continued to be about making art, whatever my media. Although I’m not sure others have always seen it that way.

As you will know if you have been reading over the past few weeks, I have an exhibition of portraits coming up very soon. Most are painted in acrylics and oils, but there are also a couple of stitched portraits. I was at a point a few weeks ago where I probably had enough work but wanted maybe just one or two more pictures.

It’s not working out!

I started on a portrait of Judi Dench in acrylics, that was not working out, despite how much I kept going back to it. There was a passing likeness although not great, but it all felt too heavy and it was becoming overworked. So, I put it aside and decided that I would make a textile portrait instead.

The original pen and ink drawing of Sharron

Last year during the 100 day project, I had made a pen and ink drawing of a lady called Sharron, someone I have never met as we are on opposite sides of the globe. It turned out well and at the time I thought about redoing it as a stitched portrait. Mostly because Sharron has fabulous curly hair and I knew I had a hank of wool samples that would work perfectly. I didn’t do anything about it at the time, so now feeling desperate for one more picture to hang in my exhibition, I decided I would make a stitched version of Sharron’s portrait. I gathered my materials, I set aside a couple of afternoons and I made a free motion embroidered portrait on calico, combining it with applique (her shirt and glasses), some painted highlights (lips and nails), a bit of stitching on metal (her necklace) and of course plenty of colourful curly wool for her hair. I was pleased with the results, but I had never doubted that I would pull it off. My experience in dealing with the materials meant I knew how to manipulate them to work the way I wanted.

Sharron in Stitch

Because I was pleased with the way it turned out and in view of the fact that I have a very neglected Facebook page for my textiles, I decided to post a couple of photos of the finished portrait, but I wasn’t prepared for the reaction. In three days, I have had over 830 ‘likes’ or reactions, 29 people or groups have shared my post, there have been 45 comments that have been overwhelming in their gushing praise and appreciation, and many more new followers (who are probably going to be disappointed that I don’t do very much by the way of textiles). I’m aware in the world of the internet, influencers and things going viral, these are small numbers but in my little world it is huge. I was very flattered and grateful. It is many years since any work that I have done has attracted such admiration. I’m not telling you all this because I want you to think how clever I am… far from it! But to put it in perspective, when I post a photo of a painting on which I have laboured over for days, on my other Facebook page, dedicated to a more generic and broad range of art, I might get 15 likes and a single comment if it's a good day and I don’t think anyone has ever shared my posts. The paintings would appear nowhere near as popular as the textile art.

What does this all mean? Despite my initial reaction which was pleasure, rapidly followed by a moment of blind panic when I though what an idiot I am to think that I have abandoned a successful career in textiles to pursue a pointless path of a mediocre painting, I quickly realised this reaction was a load of nonsense. Likes, comments, shares and online popularity are not a measure of talent or good work. Also, the number of followers on my textile art page are ten times higher than on my general art page which surely must have an impact. And let’s face it, the textile world is relatively small compared to the world of painting where I am a mere drop in the ocean. And we all know about the vagaries of social media which renders everything we post there as pretty meaningless. The algorithms cannot discern quality and popularity is definitely no measure of it.

Changing direction and learning something new doesn’t detract from what I have already achieved in textiles; there was a time when I struggled to achieve the results I wanted in fabric and stitch, and it has taken years of dedicated daily practise to get to the level I have achieved. That hasn’t gone away. But now I still have all those hours of discovery and learning ahead of me in painting too, which is why it is exciting.

Most important of all is to remember that I share things on social media and make them public so that people know what I do, it keeps me pushing to improve and it allows me to see my own progress. It’s the same reason why I enter competitions and put work into exhibitions.  I don’t do it for the likes or adoration, lovely though that is… and I think anyone who claims they don’t care what reactions they get isn’t being entirely truthful… because of course it feels good. That’s human nature. But even if it feels good, ultimately it doesn’t matter, because if we are not following the path we feel happy with ourselves, then there is no point doing it. Doing work to please others is never going to feel satisfying. We need to be able to measure our own success… but there will be more about that next week so be sure to subscribe to carry on reading!

For now though, I’m wondering whether I need to work Judi Dench in stitch, but no, I’m not going to play safe. I’m trying again to get my painting to work to a point where I feel happy with it, even if that means starting from scratch.

Starting again.